'Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch'

You wont understand. And if you do, I don’t envy you.

My world used to be calm, easy and the plan had one direct route. It didn’t have turnings or complications or options or changes that were on different station platforms. It was one way, one route, and just one easy plan.

The road signs have become unclear, the ground is unsettled and my mind is exhausted. If I could tell you what it was that I am searching for I don’t think this would be so over-thought, I don’t even think it would be an issue. The unsupportive obstacles don’t make it easy to run when everything is fragile. Time is running out, the deadline gets closer, decisions are not any more obvious then before and before I know everyone will have left.

“People don’t realise the effect they can make on your life without even realising it” – Megan Roberts (She is very wise.) If only they did know. I am who I am because of the people around me. I make decisions because of them, I worry about them, and I can’t stop thinking about them. To be able to let someone in, to trust, to feel, to miss and to love him or her. Relationships are beginning and ending. People change, but it isn’t forgotten. It is remembered with memories. That person made a certain impact on your life.

No one ever knows how things will turn out. The unknown is disconcerting and it’s becoming very apparent. It’s as if I am supposed to be searching for something, fighting for it, doing whatever I can to get it. But the thing is, I don’t really know what it is I'm going to find or what I want at the end of it or even I will achieve anything out of it.

Someone once told me that ‘nothing you ever do is a waste of time, because how could you measure good if nothing bad ever happened.’ This person also told me I was ‘Scattered.’ I think he knows what he is talking about. Everything that anyone does is something towards something, it’s a junction on a road and you make a choice to go right or left. Gloucester or Cheltenham. You or Me? Maybe you end up taking steps backwards instead of progressing forward. I think I might have landed a few miles behind where I was before, but maybe that’s because my route felt like going scenic. It is not a waste of time.

I understand that this doesn’t really make very much sense. It’s all my thoughts fresh from the core. No condensing down or filtering or pasteurising, just straight organic thought.

So there you have it an un-concluded and completely scattered stream of consciousness.